shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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