i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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