Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
