I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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