I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
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Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
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She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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