Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Randomize
