I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
