Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i think i scared a bird with my dick
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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