Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
