I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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