The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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