Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
