I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
