New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
