Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
