If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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