Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
