Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
