bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
