well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
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My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
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Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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