When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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