I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
