i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
