Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Someone shit on the floor
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
