She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
