she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
