Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
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So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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