when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
