Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
