everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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