Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
