We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
