I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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