K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
