Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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