There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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