Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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