Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
