Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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