plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
