The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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