good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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