On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
