I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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