I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
