1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
