nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
