Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
