Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
