I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
