yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
