If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
How's work?
Spinning.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
