i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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