Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's official drugs can't kill me
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
