It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
