Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
