I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
