Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
As shirtless as possible
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
