ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
