every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just found puke in my bra..
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
